Reflection
by Newsgirl29
Summary: Jacqueline and her inner turmoil: one not being honest with her self or with the man she loves.


**Reflection ~ ****(Song-Fic about how Jacqueline feels about hiding who she. From Mulan: By David Zippel, Mathew Wilder and arranged by Mac Huff)**

**Authors Note: I wrote this one shot fan fiction, almost ten years ago, when the Young Blades fandom was in our prim. It was for a gift which the forum was putting together for the shows star Karen Cliche and due to the fact it was the only one of its kind did not end up in the collection. A reason that I completely understood at the time, and still do to this day. I choose to transcribe it on a little bit of a whim to put into my own records, and went through and edited as well as expanded some of dialogue and explication. I hope that in some ways it is better, since I am now a much more educated writer, than I was before I had finished college, let alone started grad school.**

I sit in the cafe and I feel all alone, even with my friends surrounding me. They only see half of me; even d'Artagnan, who sees a little of the other half, but not all it. When they look at me, they think me of as Jacques; not Jacqueline— yet when d'Artagnan looks at me, he only sees Jacquline. Not the apart of me that is Jacques, who is proud being a woman and a Musketeer.

_Look at me_

_You may think you see_

_who I really am_

_But you'll never know me_

_Every day_

_It's as if I play a part_

I am just a player, an actor, and every day I play a part. Sometimes I enjoy it, but other times I don't. I look over at d'Artagnan and see the man, who if only a day ago had asked me once more, I would have said yes and left everything, to start a new life as his wife. I wonder if this man, who just asked me to be his wife for the second time this week, really knows, who I am. The quiet, plain, old maid who scared off ever man for a hundred miles; would he still want me, if he knew the truth? He says he knows me, but I don't even know myself, so how could he? Does he see the mask of a strong woman in hiding? Or the little girl that is mourning her father and the loss of her brother, who is on the other side of the world?

_Now I see_

_If I wear a mask_

_I can fool the world_

_But I cannot fool my heart_

_Who is that girl I see_

_Staring straight back at me?_

_When will my reflection show_

_Who I am inside?_

A part of me wanted to say yes— another part remembers that I am on the run. I have sworn to protect the King, to take down Mazarin, and to put him out of power. I know he was sincere when he asked me, but he doesn't understand. I cannot know and I don't know if it will be forever, which I do not want. I want to show the world who I am. The woman who fights and loves God, and her King. And when the time comes, her husband and her children? I would do anything to keep them all safe.

_Who is that girl I see starting straight back at me?_

_Why is my reflection someone I don't know?_

_Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?_

_When will my reflection show who I am inside_?

I know that in time d'Artagnan will love me for who I truly am, but if he does now not now, I know he may never love me in that way. He doesn't understand that I can't be with him or any man. I know that now after Charles. Not until I can truly be me, and that might never happen. I want to be a wife, a mother, a woman— I know that I am more than that. I am a person, who bested many with her blade and with her wit. I am a Musketeer. That's not what a woman should be. She needs to be sweet, coy, and flirty; but not too much as to look like a woman of the night. So many rules, and so many of them, I don't understand, and too many of them I have broken.

_There's a heart that must be free to fly_

_that burns with a need to know the reason why_

_Why must we all conceal, what we think, How we feel?_

_Must there be secret me_

_I'm forced to hide?_

I want to show d'Artagnan that I care for him that I love him; even with all his faults, and I will fly to him— when at last I can be me. I sit here and listen to my friend's latest conquest and I can't take it anymore, so I get and leave. D'Artagnan being himself gets up to follow me as if I can't walk to garrison on my own. Yet, I still love that he does. I hate fighting with myself with the fact that I want him to hold me and that I don't when he took the blame for letting Charles go, but I wouldn't let myself believe it then. Now I do believe with all my heart, but I have to finish what I started. Then we can be together.

"Jaques, wait up," d'Artagnan says as he comes running up behind me.

"Yes, what is it?" I ask him, more curtly than meant too.

"Why did you leave, things were just getting good," d'Artagnan asked me, in his typical fashion.

"I really don't care if they were getting good. In fact, I find it degrading to women how the three of you go on," I hissed at him, letting more of my frustrations come to the apparent.

"That's not it Jacqueline," He whispered to me, with more love in those few words than I wanted to hear— giving me more hope than I wanted to feel.

"You wouldn't understand," I told him as I walked into the garrison.

"Try me?" d'Artagnan challenged me as he followed me all the way back to my room.

"You couldn't," I answered him. The fact is I couldn't tell him without telling him everything about what I am feeling right now. All I wanted to do was to have him kiss me, hold me in his strong arms and tell me that he understood, when I knew he didn't. I could not know, because if I had hurt him too much and if he now hated me. I turned to look into the mirror and only saw a stranger and the man I loved behind me. "I don't know— who I see in the mirror? I see a fake; not who I truly who I am and I hate it; yet I have no other choice. I started down this path and must finish it, even if there a distraction on the road that I don't want to go away." I told him, being more vulnerable to him or anyone, than I have ever been before.

"Charles?" He queried as a veil of sadness came over his features, breaking my heart.

"No, not him," I told him.

"Oh, then who? Ramon? Siroc?" d'Artagnan asked as his eyes told of jealousy, which was starting to burn into his soul.

I can see behind me that I am tearing out his heart and I hate it more than anything hurting him so.

"No, not them. Why is that men can be such idiots!?" I asked him with a sigh.

"What are you saying Jaqueline?" He goes on with his questions in a little shock, but a glimmer of hope in his dark eyes as they look into mine, from my reflection.

"You know what I am saying," I answered him, in a breath.

"Are you saying you care for me and that it's me, who is your distraction," d'Artagnan said hitting the nail on the head as he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Jacqueline, I thought? Hoped? Prayed? Maybe could feel the same for me and you do, but why did you deny it? Say no to me?" He asked me as his eyes locked with mine in my reflection.

"Because I can't do things half way and I don't want to do anything half way. If we did give in, I know we would be found out," I told him.

"I understand, but know this I will wait for you, for as long as it takes; because I have never felt like this about anyone before and I don't think I could ever again," d'Artagnan answered as turned me around and gave me a look that told me he would wait till Christ came back if that's what it took for me to be ready, pulling me into his arms holding me in the strong, warm embrace, that I have dreamed of.

"I think you should go now," I told him as I moved my eyes from his, because I would kiss him if I did not stop looking into those deep hazel eyes, which have haunted my dreams.

"Why?" He asked in a husky whisper, which told me he was thinking the same thing as me.

"Because, I won't be able to control myself if you don't," I answered.

"I have that kind of effect on you?" d'Artagnan said with a cocky smile.

"Yes, d'Artagnan, now go before we do something we both will regret," I told him sweetly as I moved out of his arms, one of the hardest things I have ever done.

"Alright, I'll go; but know that I am always here to talk, or just listen," d'Artagnan said as he walked to the door, with look I have wanted to see since, the moment I knew that I loved him.

_I won't pretend that I'm_

_Someone else For all time_

_When will my reflection_

_Who I am inside?_

_When will my reflection show_

_Who I am inside?_


End file.
